Donna's School Prayer Essay

Donna,

I really enjoyed reading your essay.  You took on a topic that is quite controversial and in doing so, made clear that you are a passionate and thoughtful student and writer.  I especially liked what you did with the dramatic scenarios you employed that begin to paint the picture of why school prayer is so important to you and many others. 

I have a few things I want you to consider that may strengthen your essay’s effectiveness. In the end, I think, they will all boil down to one ingredient. 

1.         Can you pinpoint your audience?  This will make all the difference.  If you are speaking to others that already believe in school prayer, what are you asking of them?  Do you wish them to take a specific action?  Do you want them to write letters or speak to those in power?  If, instead, you are addressing those who do not share your opinion, you have quite a different task at hand.  How can you convince them that optional school prayer will in no way trample their rights? 

2.         My next point is more of a matter of speaker, but will also reflect my concern over proposed audience.  In the third paragraph, you write “we believe the reason this country is in such bad shape is because it has turned away from God.”  I feel as though you might want to spell out who the “we” is here.  We want to be careful not to take on a “we” (believers) versus “they” (nonbelievers) dynamic.  The more I read your essay, the more certain I become that you would like to convince those who are not yet in favor of optional school prayer to accept it.  Can you find a way to connect with your audience?  Can you concede that atheists also care deeply about their children?  Anything that you can do to minimize the perceived distance between speaker and audience will improve your chances of rhetorical success. 

3.         Also in this third paragraph, you connect the loss of prayer in the classroom with many problems in our nation:  drugs, fights, murders, etc.  I am worried that you cannot prove causality here.  You cannot find evidence (statistics, expert opinions, etc.) to support this contention.  And, again, while this may be a connection that you and other supporters of school prayer have made and firmly believe, is asserting it in the best interests of your essay?  Will it convince your audience?  Keep this idea of connection, not distance, central in your mind as you revise.

4.         Again, I enjoyed the next paragraph in which you paint the picture of the simple but heartfelt prayer that you believe will be in the best interests of many, while not violating the rights of those who choose not to pray. 

5.         As your paper continues you make good use of the Constitution to support your claim that school prayer is an inalienable right.  I wonder if you might want to quote part of the first amendment.  It might solidify your claim a bit more.  But then you might also want to recognize that not everyone came to this country for religious freedom. There are many kinds of freedom the Constitution guarantees.  Your recognition of all our constitutional rights will go a long way to building a bridge of understanding between you and your proposed audience.

Again, I applaud your fine start here.  You have begun to build a strong case for optional school prayer.  Once you pinpoint your audience and acknowledge this group’s legitimate concerns, you can fine tune your essay toward building that bridge of understanding. This will result in an essay that has the power to change minds and motivate what you believe is needed action.