Response to David's "The Four Seasons"

David,

You did a great job describing the seasons in great detail.  Your descriptive language did more "showing" than "telling", which is exactly what you should be aiming to do.  I almost felt as though I was walking the streets taking in the beautiful sights, sounds, and smells.

On your next draft, I want to hear more of your voice.  You can achieve this by showing yourself in your descriptions of each season. I want to know what the seasons mean to you (and your family) personally.  I would love to see more of you in the four seasons--what do you like to do, eat, experience, etc. in each season?

Also, avoid using "you" and "your" in your paper.  It is far to informal for college writing and also limits your audience.  For example, in one of your sentences you say, "You can feel the moist ground wanting to seep into your shoes".  By placing "you" and "your" in this sentence, you are speaking only to a reader that has felt this feeling of the moist ground under his shoes.  Many of us have not been to Syracuse, so you are excluding us from your audience.  The best way to replace "you" is with "one" and "your" with "one's".  This makes  your paper 3rd person and opens your audience.  The sentence now reads, "One can feel the moist ground wanting to seep into one's shoes".

I can't wait to read your next draft, so that I can learn a little bit more about you and your hometown and the beautiful seasons that we don't get to have here in Tallahassee.  :)