Conversational Commentary to David's "The Four Seasons"

David,

You’ve done a really good job in your essay of using descriptive language that appeals to each of the five senses. I find such descriptions as “the faint smell of pollen lingers in the air” and “the leaves turn rustic, auburn, garnet, and gold” especially effective. How can you extend your use of such powerful descriptive language to the rest of your essay? What other areas of your essay could benefit from careful, detailed imagery?

For example, in your second paragraph, instead of using cliché phrases such as “a long winter’s nap” and “chattering conversations,” what specific images could you use to tell your reader that they are in Syracuse, New York instead of Anytown, USA?  Pick a few specific places that illustrate each season for you (a certain beach for summer, a park you’ve been to before for spring, a specific road with trees you’ve walked many times for fall). What do these places look like? What are the defining features of each place that combine with the seasons to create an atmosphere unique to Syracuse? Why can these features be found in Syracuse and nowhere else?

Additionally, you have a good sense of comma usage when beginning sentences with subordinate clauses. However, I’d like you to question your comma use in other areas of your essay, such as in the sentence I’ve circled (Following Spring is the season that most people look forward to, that is Summer). Why did you use a comma where you did? Is there some way to rewrite the sentence so that it follows the rules for comma usage we covered in class? (Hint: Revisit the chapter titled “Commas” in the Hacker handbook). Please take a look at the areas in your essay I’ve marked with a checkmark. These are areas that need some reconsideration of the way you’ve used commas. If you’d like to select this essay as the one to rewrite for a revised grade, be sure to pay close attention to this. Let me know if you have any questions.