David's Four Seasons

        David, your description of the four seasons really comes alive because it connects precisely to human senses. For example, I can “see” the flowers “work their way out of the ground” in the Spring, “hear” the voices of people out and about during the Summer, “smell” the freshly fallen leaves, in the Fall, and “hear” the snow crunching underfoot during the Winter. In addition, through your use of specific nouns and action verbs, this native Southern Californian got a good idea about how the environment is different elsewhere.

        I get the sense that when you were writing this, you were mentally visiting back home in Syracuse and were remembering specific personal events that you link to the four seasons of nature. I may not be correct because on one hand I see the personal connection you have (by your use of the 1^st person “I”) to the writing, but then on the other hand, you use the 2^nd person “you” which then distances the reader from you, the writer.

If my suspicions are correct, you could change the sentences – the ones that use “you” – and shift them back to the first person. For example, the second sentence in the second paragraph (“You can feel the moist ground wanting to seep into your shoes.”) could be restated as “I know it is Spring when I can feel the moist ground wanting to seep into my shoes.” By doing so, the reader will be more connected to your story and it will allow you to recreate a conclusion that better unites your preferences and your memories. We can talk about this last part during my hours if you like, after you have changed the pronoun designations I mentioned above.