Donna,
This is a very controversial topic you picked to
write about. Religion is a very delicate and touchy subject, similar to politics.
I thought you did a good job of opening your essay with a small story of how
things used to be in a classroom. The suggestions I have after reading this
paper are:
1 Who
is your audience? Your paper seems to jump all over the place in this area. Try
to focus on one particular group/individual with whom you are trying to persuade.
2 I
see this topic has great meaning with you. Give more factual details on why
religion should have a place in schools. Remember, when you are trying to be persuasive,
you have to have a tight, strong foundation which is not rooted in personal
beliefs.
3 Proof
read! Proof read! Proof read! I cannot put enough emphasis on this. Proof read
your final draft as many times as you possibly can before turning it in. Your
paper was full of grammatical errors, misspellings, and omission of words. Read
your paper to a friend or family member. This helps by having a second set of
ears catch things which you may have missed. Also pay attention to your spacing
in between sentences
Over all you did a good
job in defending your stance on this difficult topic. I would be happy to help
you with any concerns you have.
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